The Bitch Report: Why Josh Schwartz is Good for the X-Men

["The Bitch Report" is a weekly column written for Always Watching by Angie J. Han. You can find more of Angie's writing at her personal blog, Bitch Happy.]

I briefly mentioned this on a recent episode of The Watchers podcast, but in case you haven't heard– O.C. creator Josh Schwartz is working on a script for the fourth installment of the X-Men franchise.

Schwartz, probably thinking about mutants. [Photo: NYMag]

Predictably, fans are up in arms, furious that their precious universe might be taken over a dude who seems to specialize in trashy teen soaps (he is also responsible for Gossip Girl). But have any of these outraged fans actually watched The O.C.? It delivers on its promise of mindless melodrama, sure, but it's also smart, funny, and surprisingly heartfelt. Which, gosh, sounds a lot like X-Men!

Don't pretend that shit isn't cheesy.

In fact, from what I've seen of the X-Men in the movies and books, those kids are all about angst and drama, drama, drama– they're forever pairing off and breaking up, going from good to evil back to good again, and forging epic alliances and rivalries. Sure, they've got bigger problems too, like saving the world, but what lifts the X-Men series from mere action to great drama is the personal stuff.

I think all teenagers feel like X-Men when they're growing up. The manifesting abilities are obviously a metaphor for the disturbing changes of puberty. More than that, however, adolescence comes with that weird sense that you're simultaneously helpless and invincible, and hopelessly, endlessly misunderstood. Just like the X-Men. And to a kid in high school, petty triumphs and humiliations seem every bit as grand as anything Wolverine has ever encountered. (If that seems hyperbolic, try to think back to high school. They are seriously that dramatic.)

Also, as Devindra pointed out on the podcast, this is the man who created Seth Cohen. Seth is where geek met chic for the first time; he marks the turning point at which snobby hipsters started to claim geek cred and comic book movies became the cool thing to do on a Saturday night. Before Seth, people thought geeks were like Screech from Saved By the Bell or the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

Seth Cohen, best TV geek ever?

Has your endearing, awkward charm ever gotten you a girl's (or guy's) digits at the bar? You owe Josh Schwartz a fruit basket.

All this is to say that I think The O.C. and Gossip Girl were great training for the dramatic side of the X-Men! Not that I'm without reservations. Schwartz has some experience with action as well, from Chuck, but I've never heard anyone say "Man, that was a really kickass fight in last night's episode of Chuck! They sure know how to choreograph a battle."

And of course, a feature film is a different animal from a television show. A plotline focusing on the trials and tribulations of attractive young people might work better as a show– it's worked for 90210, Dawson's Creek, and of course Schwartz's own series. On the other hand, it's possible that a shorter running time might curb some of his inclinations toward overwrought plotlines. Most of the The O.C.'s truly ridiculous plotlines took place in the later seasons, as the creative team ran out of steam. And right now, I'm hoping a strong director will be able to make up for Schwartz's relative inexperience.

While we're speculating, I wondered who else would be a strong theoretical candidate for this job– perhaps Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights) or Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly)? Whedon, definitely. Few people can make a large cast mesh the way he does, and he's a proven geek whom we know would do the X-Men justice. Firefly struck a near-perfect balance between cheeky humor and genuine sentiment. Berg would be an interesting choice, but his vision of the X-Men would be pretty heavy.

Friday Night Lights has way less scandal and trauma than anything Whedon or Schwartz has ever created, and it's still one of the most beautifully depressing shows I've ever seen. I can't imagine his version having much of the exhilaration that makes superheroes fun. Who would you rather have for X4, if not Schwartz?

And now to close, some of my favorite lines from The O.C., courtesy of the IMDB:

Marissa: [speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?
[She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]
Seth: The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?
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Seth: [about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.

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Summer: Do you remember that movie we saw about the two gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings?

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And some choice clips of Seth Cohen being Seth Cohen: