Play-by-Play of the Surprisingly Badass "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" Super Bowl Spot

C.G.I. Joe: The Rise of Faux-bra

It's like The Day the Earth Stood Still, except with a delightful shade of puke green.

It wouldn't be a disaster movie without one of the world's most recognizable structures being destroyed, now would it? Cloverfield ripped off the head of The Statue of Liberty, and joined I Am Legend in taking out the Brooklyn Bridge. Independence Day eliminated both the White House and the Empire State Building. The Day After Tomorrow was a greedy bitch and took out the Hollywood Sign, the Capitol Records Building, and basically the entirety of New York. No wonder G.I. Joe had to take things to France. There was nothing left to destroy in the U.S.

Snake Eyes unsheathes his sword mid-air while flying out of a jet. Why? Because he's fucking badass, that's why.

In preparation for his directorial duties, Stephen Sommers sought inspiration by extensively studying the history of cinema dating back to mid-2008, when Iron Man and Wanted were released. Then he stopped.

Fuck you, physics!

Not that anybody who's interested in seeing G.I. Joe cares even remotely about the storyline, but this appears to be our first look at the drill vehicle that was featured at Comic-Con in action.

Mr. Eko has changed a bit since we last saw him.

Scarlett and Breaker get emotional as they attempt to outrun the water flooding into what I'm assuming is their undersea base (see: first pic).

I take back my previous statement regarding Stephen Sommers. He clearly also studied Transformers.

OK, I don't give a shit what it's ripped off from. That's pretty awesome.

Let's play a game of "Spot the Midget."

Snake Eyes. Storm Shadow. Katanas. Ninja battle. Hell yes.

Was the plastic mouth really necessary?

The Four Steps to Jumping Over a Vehicle Flipping Towards You:

Step 1. Jump over the vehicle.

Step 2. Be awesome.

Step 3. CANNONBALL!!!

Step 4. Land on the hood of another car. (Of course, this last part will probably have you brutally injuring the innocent civilians inside, but what's more important here, protecting the innocent or looking cool? Yeah, that's what I thought.)