"Smurfs" Movie Finds Its Director, Flatulence Jokes Pretty Much a Given

By: Adam Quigley Posted: July 9, 2009 Filed under: Official Info

If you were at all worried that Hollywood might fuck up the Smurfs movie, I have some good news: they were always going to fuck it up. It was always going to suck.

Why is that good news?

Because now you can stop hoping it won't. You don't even have to wait until the trailer. With a single announcement, Columbia Pictures and Sony Animation has already told us everything we need to know about the shitstorm of cringe-worthy gags and hack-tastic storytelling that's in store for us.

We know this because Raja Gosnell, the guy behind Scooby-Doo and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, is going to be directing the film.

Producer Jordan Kerner had this to say about the decision:

With Raja coming aboard, we now have a brilliant director who has proven time and again that he has a deft touch in blending the worlds of physical comedy and honest emotion with both live action and photo-real animated characters. Our three-apple-high heroes are in good hands, and we feel absolutely positively Smurfy to be working with him.

When asked whether Raja Gosnell's involvement in the project meant the film would consist of an abundance of juvenile humor, Kerner was too busy gargling Raja's balls to reply.

Let's analyze this quote piece by piece, shall we?

...brilliant director...

As of 2009, Raja Gosnell has directed seven films. They are as follows:

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008)
Yours, Mine and Ours (2005)
Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
Scooby-Doo (2002)
Big Momma's House (2000)
Never Been Kissed (1999)
Home Alone 3 (1997)

The total average IMDB user ranking for these titles is currently 4.4 out of 10. By comparison, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen currently has a 6.4 out of 10, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine currently has a 6.8.

The total average Rotten Tomatoes score for his films is 8%. By comparison, Brett Ratner has 15%, Roland Emmerich has 20%, and Renny Harlin has 21%.

There are many things you could call this director, but "brilliant" is not one of them.

...has proven time and again that he has a deft touch in blending the worlds of physical comedy and honest emotion...

Translation: We can't wait to see the variety of ways Raja Gosnell will find to have our characters get hit with stuff, and then wrap it all up with a half-assed sequence toward the end where they all learn a valuable lesson about friendship or acceptance or something else that's super daring & challenging like that.

...with both live action and photo-real animated characters...

Translation: Alvin and the Chipmunks was a surprise success, so we're going to try to replicate that by having a human character discover the Smurfs and then a whole bunch of wacky shenanigans will ensue.

...we feel absolutely positively Smurfy...

Translation: I enjoy having cock in and around my mouth.

Rest assured, this film will be a disaster. And it will make a lot of money.