DVD Reviews

DVD: Pineapple Express

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:33:22 -0500

More Weed Than a Snoop Dogg Concert

This may come as a shock to you (and I know that's what she said), but Pineapple Express is not actually a hilarious stupid stoner movie. It's a hilarious stupid stoner action movie parody. It was not billed as a parody, but if you watch it with this in mind, you will see many ridiculous action movie cliches parodied almost constantly. It's not as much of a direct parody as Walk Hard is, but it is almost as good in its lampooning.

DVD: Righteous Kill

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:27:14 -0500

Not Actually "Bill & Ted 3", Despite the Title

There is a special place in hell set aside for the worst of the worst, and I like to think that there are seats set aside for people like John Avnet. I can't blame a director who is destroyed by a producer's control (see Babylon A.D.), but John Avnet produced and directed Righteous Kill.

DVD: Man on Wire

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:20:05 -0500

Not the sequel to the 2004 Denzel Washington flick...

Have you ever been to the circus? Or at least to Circus Circus? Have you at least ever witnessed a high-wire act? Well, if you have, I hope it was as impressive to you as it used to be for me. Unfortunately, the high-wire acts you saw were performed by pussies. Pussies on pussy wires protected by pussy safety nets. Philippe Petit puts all other high-wire acts to shame with the performance that is the subject of Man on Wire.

DVD: Wanted

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:15:21 -0500

No, you don't get to see Angelina Jolie's butt (and she's really kinda weird looking and unattractive anyway).

DVD: Hancock

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:08:26 -0500

I went into Hancock expecting total trash based on all the reviews and personal opinions I had heard, but by the end I was thinking to myself, "hm, that really wasn't that bad." When I say that Hancock is not bad, that's not to say that it is particularly good, either, but it far surpassed the incredibly low bar that the word-of-mouth had set for me.

DVD: Prince Caspian

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:00:10 -0500

For the Christian-allegory-fantasy fan in all of us...
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DVD: The Dark Knight

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:53:28 -0500

I know, I know, everyone has already seen The Dark Knight thrice and then saw it again with their mom and then they downloaded it and got sued and paid the $2500 fine but thought it was worth it until their mom decided to take that out of my allowance. So it's established already that The Dark Knight rules your balls, so I'm just going to spend the next few paragraphs nit-picking issues out of the film just to be original.

DVD: Horton Hears a Who!

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:44:03 -0500

AKA, Horton Discerns a From Whence!

If a computer-animated film isn't from Pixar, then it's really just filling the gaps between Pixar movies. Some scabs taste better than others, however, and this is one of them. Now that you're grossed out by the memory of that gross scab-eating kid from elementary school, I'd like to get on with the review now.

DVD: Mamma Mia!

Eli Turner — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:35:03 -0500

You get to hear "Dancing Queen" twice in this one!

I don't know if it's my Swedish heritage (I'm 1/32nd Swede, I think), but I actually like ABBA. I know it's pretty gay, but I don't really care. Your mom knows I'm not gay. Burn. Anyway, I may like ABBA, but I freaking HATED this movie.

DVD: Wall-E

Eli Turner — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:50:52 -0500

Pixar proves yet again that everyone else sucks.

Every time I hear the song "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" (which is actually, not often, but bear with me), I will forever think of the opening scene of WALL-E where the cheery song plays as we descend through the sepia clouds into the sepia world of skyscrapers of trash. I could clearly remember for months the way the sound of wind slowly drowns out the Hello, Dolly! soundtrack as we are introduced to WALL-E.