REVIEW: The Unborn

By: Adam Quigley Posted: January 11, 2009

The Unbored...

My mother always taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. This is all well and good in theory, but in practice, attempting to follow this principle can prove to be quite the challenge. Such is the case when you're tasked with reviewing a movie like The Unborn.

But what fun would life be without a challenge?

With that, please allow me the privilege of providing you with a complete rundown of everything that makes The Unborn a worthwhile viewing experience.

Oh, where to begin? The writing and direction of David S. Goyer? Surely the man who assisted in the creation of Nolan's reinvigorated Batman series would have something interesting to contribute to the horror genre. Or perhaps I can start off with the acting contributions of such immensley talented individuals as Gary Oldman, Carla Gugino, Idris Elba (aka Stringer Bell on The Wire), and Dexter co-stars C.S. Lee (aka Masuka) and James Remar (aka Dexter's father)? At the very least, the mere presence of this respectable supporting cast must add to the overall watchability of the film, right?

Alas, no. Struggling to apply any sense of merit to the above would be a fruitless endeavor. (Not to mention a completely confounding one.) It seems that in order to unearth the positive elements of The Unborn, we must delve deeper into the story and characters that occupy it. And by "story and characters," I'm referring, of course, to Odette Yustman's perfectly proportioned ass.

Now, it's important to note that while analyzing the pure perfection of such an ass, we must first take into the account the panties being used to help display it. In the case of The Unborn, Odette's character is wearing a pair of tight white cotton underoos, which not only effectively maintain the balance between containing the bubbly goodness and letting it hang out in all its glory, but also manage to lift and separate each cheek in precisely the right manner needed to justify the thought of what it'd be like to bury your face between them. (And I assure you, this becomes a recurring mental image throughout the movie.)

As for the ass itself, it's hard to find words that do it justice. "Appetizing." "Buoyant." "Erection-inducing." "Life-affirming." None of these are capable of conveying just how flawless a specimen this woman's butt really is. It somehow manages to be both deliciously juicy and curvacious while carefully avoiding such forgivable but ultimately discouraging issues as unwanted sagging or an inordinate thickness of the thighs. And thanks to Odette's creamy-brown tanned skintone, her rear-end is made all the more palatable in the process. It's like staring into a vortex of happiness.

As wholly majestic as her love-buns are though, there's still another important factor that warrants consideration, and that's the amount of screentime given to the ass. While Odette Yustman remains clothed for the majority of the film, she has at least three scenes where she's prominently featured in nothing more than a tank top and the aforementioned wonder-panties. If I were to guess, I'd say she spends somewhere between 5 to 10 minutes in this condition. This leaves about 80 minutes where she is not. So for every 1 minute you get of Odette's glorious buttocks, you're forced to deal with around 10+ minutes of the actual movie. An uneven ratio, to say the least.

Fortunately, the film has one last trick up its sleeve. And by trick, I mean vagina. And by sleeve, I mean vagina. And by vagina, I mean vagina. And by that extensive use of the word vagina, I mean HOLY TITTY-FUCK, DID I JUST SEE A BLATANT 5-SECOND DISPLAY OF ODETTE YUSTMAN'S CAMEL TOE? The answer to that question would be yes. Yes, I did. And by God was it awe-inspiring. There I was, just sitting in the theater randomly pondering if suicide was a reasonable response to excruciating boredom, when BAAM! The camera pans down and shows a frontal shot of Yustman in those gravity-defying panties, this time presenting a distinct and revealing vertical slit. Needless to say, I came instantly.

I wish I could tell you how the rest of the movie was, but sadly, I was too busy day-dreaming that I was microscopic young lad traversing the epic landscape known simply as Cameltopia. Ahhh, good times... But yeah, basically, the movie was about this chick who really hates mirrors. And I think an evil ghost kid was involved or something. He was kind of a dick. Also, there were a lot of potato bugs. They never explain why, mind you, but why bother? Potato bugs are scary as shit.

So, yeah. There you have it.

Out of 5 stars, The Unborn earns a solid who gives a fuck.

Odette Yustman's ass, meanwhile, gets a well-deserved 5 out of 5 spankings.

Lastly (but certainly not least), there's Odette Yustman's vaginal outline, which receives the honor of me pirating the DVD when it becomes available and masturbating furiously to freeze-frames of it. Thanks, David Goyer, for making this opportunity possible. You're a swell guy.

NOTE: If any studio executives at Rogue or Universal are reading this review, please consider using "There were a lot of potato bugs." as a pull-quote for the front cover of the DVD. I really think it'll help sell audiences on the film.